Non stop crying

I'm sad. Very very sad, but don't know who to tell. I'm sad is not because I can't attend the MV shooting event today. I'm sad is because of the lack of communication with family especially my parents all this long. I don't understand why after so many tragedies happened, they still don't like to communicate, the only thing they will respond to you when you try to communicate with them is either scold you with high tone (they said that is just high tone, not scolding) or remain silent no matter how many times you talk to them and ask them the same thing. Don't they think communication is very important?? I always try to do that, but in the end I found that I'm talking to the unreasonable monsters, or the four walls.

I feel like an alien in this house. I'm just trying to be same like everybody else outside. But my mum said they are not good, they are the ones who behave like aliens. Now I'm a total alien. I born in an alien family, now trying my best to be the same like others outside, but then stuck in the middle of it, half alien half human, that makes me more like alien to everyone. Even my family also think I'm alien. I have no friends, because they think I'm alien too. Because I'm not the same as them. That's why during my high school, I'm the one who always got bullied and boycotted by others. Nobody likes me. Until now.

I don't know how to stop all these. Sometimes I feel like running away from home. Forever. But I really don't want to do this. Sometimes I even think maybe I'll just marry the somebody who love me very very much so that I can get out of here officially. But I really don't want to. I still want to enjoy my life for few more years. I'm 20 now, but I feel I didn't even have a happy teenage life like any other teenagers had before. So now I'm always looking for fun, I always grab chances to go out. But that doesn't help. I'm still an alien.

I love my family very much actually, I just don't like their attitude. But what can I do?? I guess this will never change forever. I'm born to be in this family, this stupid environment. I can rarely feel their love to me. I need love so much that I always demand it from my boyfriend, until sometimes he can't stand it. I need attention. So I did many stupid things before. But still nobody cares about me. I feel my life is meaningless. Nobody truly understand me. They only keep on putting bad labels on me. Like I'm a kid who will never do anything nice, no matter how hard I tried to do things right,bthey still think that I'm wrong.

I went to see psychologist since I was small. So everybody thinks I'm a psycho. The very first psychologist who provides treatment to me said that I'm fully recovered already. But why this keep on coming back to me. I guess it's not my fault, is the environment that my family provide for me. That's why I'm becoming like this. I hate myself a lot. I hate myself. I hate myself. i hate myself. I hate myself. i hate myself.

Tell me what can i do?? I just want to be a normal happy girl. But why it's so hard.